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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25908991">If I Remain</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sallythedoll/pseuds/sallythedoll'>sallythedoll</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon-Typical Violence, Eventual Romance, Eventual Sex, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Internal Conflict, Jealousy, Nightmares</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 02:19:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,492</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25908991</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sallythedoll/pseuds/sallythedoll</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>210 years in the future, Sally's nightmares are becoming more prevalent over the death of her husband and kidnapping of her baby. She travels with MacCready, a mercenary who is beginning to develop romantic feels for her while he show her the ropes of the new world. But when she meets Paladin Danse, a member of the Brotherhood of Steel, her life is turned upside down... Again.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Paladin Danse/Female Sole Survivor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Special thanks to John.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I watched Nate fuss with his face, distracting himself from thinking about the speech he was giving tonight. A tall, muscular man with a perfect jawline and handsome nose. Light brown hair complemented his golden, brown eyes and a sweet smile that had a mischievous edge to it. He donned a scar on his left upper lip, a souvenir from his time in the service, something I was very proud of him for.</p><p>“You’re gonna knock ‘em dead at the Veteran’s Hall tonight, hon.” I told him. </p><p>“You think?” Nate asked, looking toward me in the reflection.</p><p>“Absolutely! Now get ready and stop hogging the mirror!” I chuckled.</p><p>"Right." He replied.</p><p>I traced over his features with my eyes. I love that face. He looks as good as the day we met.</p><p>“What do you think hon, roguishly handsome or handsomely roguish?” He asked impishly.</p><p>I rolled my eyes and smiled, “Both.”</p><p>I shooed him to the side so I could freshen up in the mirror. “This hair is a blessing and a curse,” I said as I combed out the blanket of dense, tangles of fawn.</p><p>Nate took my hair into his hands, gently playing with each lock. “Honey, you have the most beautiful hair.”</p><p>The corners of my lips turned up and I looked at him in the mirror. “I love you.”</p><p>“I love you too.” Nate placed a kiss on my temple and left me to finish brushing my hair.</p><p>I placed a few bobby pins and when I was satisfied with my appearance, I exited the bathroom into the kitchen. Nate was reading the paper by our side door, while our television played in the background. Codsworth, our robot butler, greeted me. “Ah! Good morning mum! Your coffee!”</p><p>“Thanks, Codsworth,” I replied and took the pot he held.</p><p>“Of course, mum!” He joyfully retorted in his posh British accent.</p><p>I took a mug from the counter and my eyes landed on the Grognak comic Nate left. “Grognak the Barbarian and the Jungle of the Bat Babies.” I chucked to myself. It was my husband’s favorite. I have much of an opinion on comics, but I liked how much he enjoyed them.</p><p>A wail came from the other side of the house. “Uh oh,” I thought, “I know that cry.”</p><p>I was about to head toward the source of the noise but Codsworth said, “Ah, sounds like someone made a stinky! I shall attend to young Shaun!”</p><p>I thanked Codsworth again and sipped my coffee.</p><p>“You know, I was nervous at first, but Codsworth’s really good with Shaun.” Nate confided in me.</p><p>I nodded and smiled, ”he’s taken a lot of stress off my shoulders.” I walked over to the bookshelf and picked up my framed diploma. A lot of late nights, but it was worth it. It will be nice to be able to put my degree to use. Since I had Shaun, all my attention has been on him. Not that I minded but it was time for a change. I placed the frame back in its rightful position.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Ding dong! </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Can you get that? It’s probably that salesman. He comes for you every day.” Nate said without looking up from the paper he was reading.</p><p>Ugh, I hate salesmen. They always try to sell you overpriced garbage. I sighed, walked to the door, turned the knob, and pulled.</p><p>A ginger man in a tan trench coat and fedora stepped forward and tipped his hat. “Good morning! Vault-Tec calling!” he said in a chipper voice.</p><p>Damn it... This guy! I’ve been trying to avoid him for a week. “Vault-Tec?” I asked, slightly annoyed, “Remind me again.”</p><p>“Why we’re about you ma’am!” he took in a breath, “And helping secure your future. You see Vault-Tec is the foremost builder of state-of-the-art, underground fallout shelters. Vaults, if you will. Luxury accommodations, where you can wait out the horrors of nuclear devastation. You can’t know how happy I am to finally speak with you. I’ve been trying for days. It’s a matter of utmost urgency, I assure you.”</p><p>“What’s so important?”</p><p>“Why, nothing less than your entire future! If you haven’t noticed, ma'am, you’re a terrible mother!” he responded.</p><p>“Wait… What did you just say?” I wasn’t sure if I heard him correctly.</p><p>“You heard me ma’am! You let someone kidnap your baby right before your eyes! It’s all your fault!” He said in his sing-songy voice, “Plus your husband is dead! That’s right! Shot right between the eyes!”</p><p>My eyes darted to Nate, only to see a gaping hole in his frontal lobe that was dripping with blood.</p><p>“What’s wrong honey?” Nate walked toward me as if he didn’t have a bullet in his brain.</p><p>“Oh my god!” I shrieked.</p><p>I sprinted to Shaun’s bedroom to find it empty.</p><p>“My baby!” I shouted, “Where is my baby?!”</p><p>I flew out of the house and saw a bald man in a brown, leather jacket and combat boots holding a wailing Shaun. I ran toward them as fast as I could but my legs wouldn’t work. No matter how hard I tried, how much I muscled I couldn’t move. I tried and tried, sobbing and pleading while the faceless man laughed at my pain.</p><p>“Sally!” I heard a voice echo. “Sally!” I was being shook.</p><p>I sat up straight and gulped for air. I looked around the room, eyes wide, trying to catch my breath.</p><p>“Sal are you ok?” MacCready placed his hands on my shoulders,”You were screaming in your sleep.”</p><p>My eyes darted around the room as I started to come back to reality.</p><p>“I’m fine,” I panted, “just a bad dream, that’s all. Likely something I ate.” I took a moment to get my breathing to a normal pace and focused my eyes on him.</p><p>“That’s about the fourth bad dream you’ve had in the past week,” MacCready said skeptically, “are you sure you’re alright?”</p><p>“Yes! I told you I’m fine!” I snapped.</p><p>He was taken slightly by surprised. “Alright, well... You know you can tell me anything, you know? If you ever need to talk I’m here.”</p><p>“Yup.” I took a swig of water from my canteen, hoping he’d drop the subject. Brow furrowed, MacCready looked me up and down and stepped outside.</p><p>I’ve been having the same nightmare since I left the vault over three months ago. Sometimes I wake up screaming, sometimes crying. They’re becoming more intense and MacCready is starting to notice. I sighed, crawled out of my sleeping bag, zipped on my vault suit and followed my friend.</p><p>Robert Joseph MacCready. A mercenary I hired out of Goodneighbor a couple months back. He had a twinkle of wit in his baby blue eyes and the smirk on his pinched features told a story of being smooth and fearless. However, I knew, beneath that barrier he puts up, is a man who is caring and soft to the ones he loves. He’s been a good friend to me, and is very understanding about my situation.</p><p>He stood with his back propped against a wall, smoking and staring out into the dead trees deep in thought. “Hey,” I approached him. He took a last drag and flicked the cigarette onto the concrete.</p><p>“Hey,” he turned to me.</p><p>“I’m sorry I was cold with you, I just… I don’t wanna talk about my nightmares.”</p><p>“Hey, I get it. Sometimes things are best kept to ourselves, right?” He acknowledged.</p><p>“Right,” I smiled, “thanks for always understanding. You’re a good pal to have around.”</p><p>“No problem,” he smiled back, “suns coming up, do you wanna get going?”</p><p>“Sure.”</p><p>We rolled up our sleeping bags and headed out.</p><p>MacCready let Sally take the lead for a moment as he watched her. He sighed and let the facade slip away from his face. What was he going to do? This was supposed to be a job, nothing more. Get caps, get out of Goodneighbor and find a way to get the cure for his son. How was he supposed to handle the fact that he was starting to develop feelings for her? After Lucy he wasn’t sure he could ever feel that way about someone again, but somehow, he was starting to. Yep, sometimes things are definitely best kept to ourselves… At least for now.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Dogmeat!” I dropped my pack to accommodate room for the ninety pound, ecstatic German Shepherd running full speed at me. He jumped up onto his hind legs and licked my face, wagging his tail. I laughed, “I missed you too, boy!” and scratched him behind his ears. He was so excited he pranced around me, unable to sit still. “What have you been doing while I was gone? Were you good?”</p><p>I almost didn't notice Preston walk up to us. “He’s always well-behaved. I hardly had to do anything, just made sure he had food and water.”</p><p>Preston is a part of The Minutemen. A militia that formed to help protect against dangers that post-war Boston wrought. They formed years ago but numbers began to dwindle due to attacks as well as internal differences. And a few months ago there were only a few of them. Preston was their temporary leader at the time and appointed me General after I helped get the Minutemen get back on their feet. Now we have a few settlements throughout the Commonwealth and hope to continue to create more to ensure safety for anyone who needs it.</p><p>“Thanks, Preston,” I smiled, “It means a lot.”</p><p>“No thanks necessary, General. Happy to help.”</p><p>“Alright well, I’m gonna go hit the sack, I’m beat.” MacCready yawned and stretched his arms, “I’ll talk to you ass-- I mean you guys later.”</p><p>MacCready was always trying to watch his language and in general, be a better person. It was a promise he made to his young son. “Sounds good,” I nodded, “I’ll catch up with you later.” He saluted me sarcastically and walked down the street to his home.</p><p>After a moment, Preston turned to me and said “Bye the way, got a strange message. From a robot. Said it was from someplace called Graygarden. I couldn't figure out exactly what it wanted, but, well... may as well check it out. You never know.”</p><p>“Alright, I’ll head there in the morning.” I replied.</p><p>I said goodnight to Preston and walked up to my house, key in hand. I was living in the same house I’d lived in over two centuries ago. The minutemen and settlers here at Sanctuary Hills were kind enough to help me fix it up. I stared up at my house, sometimes a place of solace, others, a haunting of my past. Today the ghosts were very present. I sighed and opened my door. Once inside, I locked it behind me and made my way to the bedroom. I peeled my vault suit off my body and looked at the back where it read “Vault 111” in yellow letters. Still in good shape for receiving it over 210 years ago. I placed the suit on my dresser next to my combat armor and slipped myself under my bed covers. </p><p>I must have been exhausted because all I remember is waking up to the sunshine peering into my window. No nightmares last night. A small victory. I got up and hazily staggered to the bathroom, brushed my teeth and looked at myself in the mirror. </p><p>I stared at my hair awhile, images of when Nate used to play with the golden strands appeared in my mind. I could feel the touch of his hands move from my hair to my waist, the heat of his body as he held me against him tight in his arms, and his breath on my skin as he kissed my forehead. And his eyes, A beautiful caramel color with flecks of bronze. Shaun had his eyes. I had to find my baby, I had to find Shaun. And I needed to avenge the murder of my husband. It had been weeks since there was a lead and I was trying not to lose hope. I closed my eyes and tried to think of something else before tears spilled from my eyes. </p><p>I got a hold of myself, went to the kitchen in search of food and settled on some Sugar Bombs soaked in brahmin milk. I was finally growing accustomed to the taste of stale cereal but, the milk from the two headed cow-like creature still had a weird aftertaste. I finished my bowl, placed it in the sink and walked to my room to get ready. Once I had all my gear on, I walked out my front door. MacCready was waiting out front, playing with Dogmeat. I waved at them.</p><p>“Hey guys, what’re you up to?” I asked.</p><p>“Hey Sal, just playing around with…”</p><p>Dogmeat cut him off with a muffled bark.</p><p>“Alright! Sorry!” MacCready laughed and grabbed one arm of the teddy bear the dog held in its mouth.</p><p>I chuckled, “Guess you’re not allowed to take a break!”</p><p>“I guess not,” said MacCready, “ready to face the day?” He continued tugging on the stuffed animal. Dogmeat pulled back with his entire body weight.</p><p>“Well I was actually thinking about taking Dogmeat out. I haven’t seen him for a couple of weeks and I wanted to make it up to him if that’s alright.”</p><p>“Oh come on, you're replacing me with a dog?” MacCready said cheekily, letting go of the toy, “Now that's just insulting...” Dogmeat looked at MacCready and whined. “Hey I’m just joking around.” he told him, patting him on the head. Dogmeat wagged his tail in response. </p><p>“Thanks MacCready,” I smiled</p><p>He nodded, “Have fun out there.”</p><p>Dogmeat watched his tug-of-war partner walk away and sat on his back haunches, moping. “Aw hey buddy, it’s ok! I have to head to Graygarden today, do you wanna come?” I asked.</p><p>His ears perked up and he started prancing around me, the bear still in his mouth.</p><p>“Alright, let’s go then. But you have to leave that here, ok?” I told him. After I finally pried the toy from his jaws, I put it in his doghouse for safekeeping. And with that we were ready to head on our adventure.</p><hr/><p>It took us a few hours to get to our destination. When we got there we were greeted with a sight of Mr. Handy robots pruning a patch of mutfruit trees. We passed them, walking into the adjacent greenhouse. I talked with Supervisor White, a modified version of the robot, with a female personality. Supervisor White asked for our help with their irradiated water supply. I accepted and told her I'd be back when the job was done.</p><p>We were just stepping outside, when I got a notification on my Pip-Boy of a new radio frequency. I clicked the switch on the device strapped to my arm to tune into the signal and heard a female voice fizzing in and out.</p><p>
  <em> “This is Scribe Haylen of Reconnaissance Squad Gladius to any unit in transmission range. Authorization Arx. Ferrum. Nine. Five. Our unit has sustained casualties and we're running low on supplies. We're requesting support or evac from our position at Cambridge Police Station. Automated message repeating…” </em>
</p><p>I looked down at my furry companion, “They need help, let’s go.”</p><p>Dogmeat barked in response. I found the location on my Pip-Boy’s map and set the coordinates to guide us there. We ran down the hill to a busted up road, littered with broken pre-war vehicles, that created unsure footing and difficult navigation. The road came to a downtown area I recognized as College Square. The only difference now was about two centuries and an apocalypse worth of destruction. It definitely wasn’t the same place I knew before the war… But then again, nothing was.</p><p>I followed the sound of rapid gunfire, focusing back on our mission. When we arrived at the police station, I immediately recognized the danger. Ghouls. Humans who had become so irradiated, it disfigured them as well as extended their lifespan. Some ghouls' brains remained intact. Others, called feral ghouls, are the equivalent of a zombie. I’ll give you two guesses as to which these were.</p><p>The ghouls were attacking a group of three people that, guessing by their armor and the distress signal they sent out, were a part of some type of military. A female stood at the top of the steps, shielding her injured comrade with her body, gun pointed toward her targets. The injured soldier was slumped against a wall, holding his ribs, blood staining his orange jumpsuit. At the forefront was a man in power armor, who I judged to be the leader of the group. </p><p>I took out my combat shotgun and aimed at the feral ghoul nearest me, once I was sure of my target, I pulled the trigger.  The lifeless body of the once human hit the concrete with a loud thunk. I turned to my next target, same thing. <em> THUNK </em>. Next to me, Dogmeat ripped out a feral’s carotid artery, spurting a fountain of scarlet. The man in the power armor still shooting his laser rifle at the enemies. </p><p>“Ad Victoriam!” he yelled.</p><p>I reloaded and lifted my barrel to the head of the last ghoul. <em> BOOM </em>. Brains, blood and bones exploded outward like a meaty firework. I checked to see the coast was clear and turned to the giant steel soldier.</p><p>He was a serious looking man with low, thick, brows, somewhat shadowing his chocolate eyes. He had a straight nose above a pair of fuller lips that held a horizontal line. His well-groomed, short beard covered his masculine jawline and upper lip, which then extended to his sideburns up to where his cheek bones were set. I could only imagine under his hood were dark locks to match the rest of his hair. There was something about this man that was intimidating but somehow appealing. All I could gather for certain was this guy meant business.</p><p>“Hi,” I managed to say. </p><p>“We appreciate the assistance, civilian. But what’s your business here?” he asked in a deep, direct tone. </p><p>Where does he get off being suspicious of me when I just saved their asses?  </p><p>“Before I answer, will you tell me who you are?” I asked, putting up a slight wall.</p><p>“In due time. If you want to remain in our compound, I suggest you answer my question first.” </p><p>Jesus Christ this guy was stubborn. </p><p>“Pest exterminator, I heard you had a feral problem.” I said sarcastically, taking a page from MacCready’s book. </p><p>“Evading my questions in a surefire way of getting yourself ejected from the compound.” He countered, “Are you from a local settlement?”</p><p>I still didn’t want to give this man too much information, so I tried a different approach.</p><p>“Do all these questions really matter? After all, I helped you fight those ferals.”</p><p>“You make a fair point.” His voice and face softened a bit, “If I appear suspicious, it’s because our mission here has been difficult. Since the moment we arrived in the Commonwealth, we’ve been constantly under fire.”</p><p>My shoulders relaxed slightly. Finally we were getting somewhere.</p><p>”I’m Paladin Danse, Brotherhood of Steel. Over there is Scribe Haylen and Knight Rhys.” </p><p>I looked over to the other soldiers. I received a smile from Haylen, the woman in the cap, while Rhys, the injured man, stared at me in a way that conveyed the opposite of friendly. I looked back to Paladin Danse, who then explained that their distress call has been unable to reach their superiors due to a weak signal. They needed something that would help boost it.</p><p>”Our target is ArcJet Systems and it contains the technology we need… the Deep Range Transmitter. We infiltrate the facility, secure the transmitter and bring it back here. So, what do you say? You willing to lend the Brotherhood of Steel a hand?” Danse asked.</p><p>I thought it over for a moment, still not fully sure if I was on board but figured it wouldn’t hurt to help. “Yes.” I said.</p><p>“Outstanding.” Danse replied, “I can assure you that I wouldn’t undertake this mission unless I had confidence in your abilities.” He turned and walked up the steps to the others.</p><p>“What did you get yourself into this time, Sally?” I thought to myself. “Also, did he just compliment you? No, just your abilities. And besides who cares what he thinks? He’s just some hard ass military type. Although… If I’m being honest with myself… I don’t mind looking at him.” Thinking about that made me feel guilty. My husband was just murdered and I’m looking at another man. I needed to focus on finding Shaun. And these people could help me get the answers I needed, I just needed to ignore any distractions. I walked up the steps and followed him into the police station.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I wasn't sure what to name my character and just used my nickname in the meantime. I forgot to change it before I posted but at this point I think I'm going to keep it. This is my first time writing fanfic, so I hope you enjoy!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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